I Cry

I've been unhappy with my love-life for quite some time now. I suppose, I was unhappy with my romantic situation before I even began to date. I was always very pessimistic about relationships, even as a child. I assumed all relationships functioned in dysfunction and abuse. I figured the only way to be happy was to be tolerant of some type of mistreatment or grave character flaw. That's what I always saw, and, as a matter of fact, that's still what I see.

I've seen or heard of very few couples who seem genuinely happy with one another, despite disagreements here and there. I know they exist. I know that there are successful couples out there, most of them involved in similar movements (like church), with paralell goals and like-minded values. I know that it's not easy meeting someone you have a connection with AND are physically attracted to. I find that most people settle for either one or the other. But I don't want that, I want both. And perhaps that's my problem?

I was almost happy, or I should say, I was happy a lot of the time with my daughter's father. I wasn't happy with his alcoholism despite a deteriorating liver and sporadic seizures, or his abusive tendencies, or his constant "getting-into-trouble-around-the-way", or his inability to keep a job, or his inability to be a mature and independent black man. But I took all of his qualities, both good and bad, in stride and figured everyone is capable of growth and change (shit, I know how much I've grown and changed). In any case, he had intentions to change and grow; however, 4 years and a baby later produced no visible change. NONE. I loved him dearly, and I know that he loved me very much, but I could no longer tolerate his inability to grow. I was growing so much and eventually outgrew the relationship. I was no longer happy and had to leave it behind.

That was 3 years ago. Since then, I've been pretty much alone. I've fucked around with a few people here and there, with nothing to show for it but frustration or a few tears. 3 years of this shit. It gets really really old.

Within this time, I almost reached contentment with an old friend of mine-turned-lover. That vision of contentment quickly dissolved when I realized we had no sexual compatibility whatsoever. I mean, absolutely none. (Sigh). I'm a very sexual person and I need to have a strong sexual chemistry with whomever I'm involved with. I told him how I felt. We had an open relationship, but when he found out I was sleeping with someone else, it really broke his heart. Since then, we've parted ways for a while and reunited as friends, however, I don't feeel comfortable with this friendship because he is constantly pushing for us to be more than friends.

Anyway, it's been 3 years since I was in a loving relationship. Within this time, I almost touched on happiness by meeting an absolutely amazing person who I have immense chemistry with on nearly every single level. It's more than I could ever hope for, but...we can't be together.

It's been 3 years of ups and downs. Mostly downs. I met a man who lied about his marital status and his age, who disappeared for 8 months after dating me for 2. I've been lied to, I've been used, I've been overlooked, I've been a "last resort", I've been many things, but none of them HAPPY or CONTENT.

The man I love and can't be with is a friend of mine who I barely speak to. I mean, how can we even be friends? I miss him in many ways but I'm afraid to even call to say "hello". The idea that he's "busy"with another woman (or women) keeps me very closed and afraid to be vulnerable...afraid to be MYSELF around him. We can't hang out without wanting to be intimate somehow, so we don't hang out. I wish we could once again be the great friends we were, but we can't. And the rejection I feel because of this situation mounts with every lonely night that passes.

Last night I cried. I cried in the street. I cried in the bed. I cried and prayed for a sign, a sign of hope. I don't even know if it's appropriate for me to long for love so much, I even feel ashamed of myself for feeling so sad. I do focus on my own growth as a person and my own dreams, but still, this longing remains and I can't explain it. I can't fill it with trips to the gym, trips to the mall, food, television, crocheting, reading or anything else I do to keep myself occupied. There's a cold emptiness I feel inside whenever I lay down and remember how I used to be able to call up someone who loved me, just to hear his voice, just to remind myself that he's there, and he loves me. I feel a cold emptiness when it rains, and I remember when someone who loved me called to tell me, "It's cold today, wear a jacket." I feel a cold emptiness when I remember those late night calls from someone who just "wanted to hear my voice." I remember kissing someone when it felt natural to kiss them, not awkward or forced. I remember feeling a need for affection and being held and comforted. I remember having a reason to keep my legs shaved, or to buy sexy underwear. I miss loving someone who loved me back. It's one thing to never have had the experience of love, but it's another thing to have had it and lost it...for whatever reason. The more time passes and you're alone, the more you begin to wonder if perhaps, there is something wrong with you.

Last night I cried. I laid in my bed and cried hard, for a while. My daughter was in the living room watching Edgar & Ellen on Nicktoons. She came into the room and said, "Mommy, you're crying? What's the matter? You lost your daddy?"

At this I cried even harder because, yes, I did lose my daddy. He didn't die, he just went away a long time ago.

She crawled on top of my bed and wiped the tears from my eyes and carressed my cheeks. She said, "It's ok mommy, don't cry." Then she laid down on my chest and I put my arms around her. I thanked God for her, for she is my blessing. She is my sign of hope. Everything IS going to be ok.