I Cry

I've been unhappy with my love-life for quite some time now. I suppose, I was unhappy with my romantic situation before I even began to date. I was always very pessimistic about relationships, even as a child. I assumed all relationships functioned in dysfunction and abuse. I figured the only way to be happy was to be tolerant of some type of mistreatment or grave character flaw. That's what I always saw, and, as a matter of fact, that's still what I see.

I've seen or heard of very few couples who seem genuinely happy with one another, despite disagreements here and there. I know they exist. I know that there are successful couples out there, most of them involved in similar movements (like church), with paralell goals and like-minded values. I know that it's not easy meeting someone you have a connection with AND are physically attracted to. I find that most people settle for either one or the other. But I don't want that, I want both. And perhaps that's my problem?

I was almost happy, or I should say, I was happy a lot of the time with my daughter's father. I wasn't happy with his alcoholism despite a deteriorating liver and sporadic seizures, or his abusive tendencies, or his constant "getting-into-trouble-around-the-way", or his inability to keep a job, or his inability to be a mature and independent black man. But I took all of his qualities, both good and bad, in stride and figured everyone is capable of growth and change (shit, I know how much I've grown and changed). In any case, he had intentions to change and grow; however, 4 years and a baby later produced no visible change. NONE. I loved him dearly, and I know that he loved me very much, but I could no longer tolerate his inability to grow. I was growing so much and eventually outgrew the relationship. I was no longer happy and had to leave it behind.

That was 3 years ago. Since then, I've been pretty much alone. I've fucked around with a few people here and there, with nothing to show for it but frustration or a few tears. 3 years of this shit. It gets really really old.

Within this time, I almost reached contentment with an old friend of mine-turned-lover. That vision of contentment quickly dissolved when I realized we had no sexual compatibility whatsoever. I mean, absolutely none. (Sigh). I'm a very sexual person and I need to have a strong sexual chemistry with whomever I'm involved with. I told him how I felt. We had an open relationship, but when he found out I was sleeping with someone else, it really broke his heart. Since then, we've parted ways for a while and reunited as friends, however, I don't feeel comfortable with this friendship because he is constantly pushing for us to be more than friends.

Anyway, it's been 3 years since I was in a loving relationship. Within this time, I almost touched on happiness by meeting an absolutely amazing person who I have immense chemistry with on nearly every single level. It's more than I could ever hope for, but...we can't be together.

It's been 3 years of ups and downs. Mostly downs. I met a man who lied about his marital status and his age, who disappeared for 8 months after dating me for 2. I've been lied to, I've been used, I've been overlooked, I've been a "last resort", I've been many things, but none of them HAPPY or CONTENT.

The man I love and can't be with is a friend of mine who I barely speak to. I mean, how can we even be friends? I miss him in many ways but I'm afraid to even call to say "hello". The idea that he's "busy"with another woman (or women) keeps me very closed and afraid to be vulnerable...afraid to be MYSELF around him. We can't hang out without wanting to be intimate somehow, so we don't hang out. I wish we could once again be the great friends we were, but we can't. And the rejection I feel because of this situation mounts with every lonely night that passes.

Last night I cried. I cried in the street. I cried in the bed. I cried and prayed for a sign, a sign of hope. I don't even know if it's appropriate for me to long for love so much, I even feel ashamed of myself for feeling so sad. I do focus on my own growth as a person and my own dreams, but still, this longing remains and I can't explain it. I can't fill it with trips to the gym, trips to the mall, food, television, crocheting, reading or anything else I do to keep myself occupied. There's a cold emptiness I feel inside whenever I lay down and remember how I used to be able to call up someone who loved me, just to hear his voice, just to remind myself that he's there, and he loves me. I feel a cold emptiness when it rains, and I remember when someone who loved me called to tell me, "It's cold today, wear a jacket." I feel a cold emptiness when I remember those late night calls from someone who just "wanted to hear my voice." I remember kissing someone when it felt natural to kiss them, not awkward or forced. I remember feeling a need for affection and being held and comforted. I remember having a reason to keep my legs shaved, or to buy sexy underwear. I miss loving someone who loved me back. It's one thing to never have had the experience of love, but it's another thing to have had it and lost it...for whatever reason. The more time passes and you're alone, the more you begin to wonder if perhaps, there is something wrong with you.

Last night I cried. I laid in my bed and cried hard, for a while. My daughter was in the living room watching Edgar & Ellen on Nicktoons. She came into the room and said, "Mommy, you're crying? What's the matter? You lost your daddy?"

At this I cried even harder because, yes, I did lose my daddy. He didn't die, he just went away a long time ago.

She crawled on top of my bed and wiped the tears from my eyes and carressed my cheeks. She said, "It's ok mommy, don't cry." Then she laid down on my chest and I put my arms around her. I thanked God for her, for she is my blessing. She is my sign of hope. Everything IS going to be ok.

Abuse In Relationships

All couples have their share of problems. Any healthy relationship will have it's "unhealthy" aspects: areas of communication that may need work; disagreements in need of resolution; and some residual feelings of anger towards a situation that occured in the past. All in all, with a little {or a lot} of effort, and with the ability to listen and the desire to compromise, the healthy aspects will outweigh the problematic ones; thus, the relationship will continue to thrive.

Problems are good to have. Problems represent an opportunity for growth.

Unfortunately for this blog, I'm not talking about the types of problems that promote growth. I'm talking about the kinds of relationships where problems facilitate self-destructive behavior rather than individual growth. I'm talking about the kinds of relationships where abuse (of any kind) is the basis of the connection between the two individuals involved. I'm talking about the kinds of relationships that are poisonous and affect your emotional (mental and physical) health; and yet, are soooooooooooo hard to walk away from.

We all know (and some of us have even been) someone who has kept going back to an unhealthy relationship. He/she is either being used, cheated on, abused, or worse, and yet they can't let their victimizers go. We sit there and wonder to ourselves, "Why does he/she (or 'I') stay in a relationship that is utterly horrible?" We shake our heads disapprovingly and in surprise.

Abuse & mistreatment in early childhood breeds the mentality that he/she deserves it. Abuse is a very vicious cycle, and it's chains are exceedingly difficult to break--I should know, as someone who has been abused many times in my life. I and others like this apparently have an issue with "self-worth". Unfortunately, we can't give anyone "self-worth" (it's a "self" thing). It is something one has to learn (and create) on his/her own and with time.

If you're asking yourself, "I don't know why I put up with this person. It doesn't make any sense. They treat me like shit, they don't love me, they use me. It's something about he/she that keeps me here like a fool. It has to be LOVE."

NO. It's not love. Again, LOVE is not at fault.

If you're saying to yourself, "I try to leave but the person won't let me go."

NO. Do not blame it on the other person for keeping themselves around. You know that if there's someone you really don't want in your life, they won't be there.

Who's to blame?

I'll say this: abuse becomes an addiction and a necessity for someone who has faced it in the past. It's not so much that you can't walk away from the person...it's more so that you can't walk away from your perceived role as the "abused".

The battle is within...

What is your opinion?

Cancer Causes/Prevention

18 things that CAUSE cancer: (in no particular order)

Smoking cigarettes
Mammography radiation - see articles on mammograms
Chemotherapy and radiation
Perfumes and fragrance products
Cosmetics and personal care products - see articles on personal care products
Drinking non-organic milk or eating non-organic dairy products
Hydrogenated oils and trans fatty acids - See Poison In the Food or articles on hydrogenated oils
Home cleaning products, including laundry detergent, dryer sheets, etc.
Plastic food containers - includes plastic lining inside food cans
Sodium nitrite - found in most processed meats, see articles on sodium nitrite
Pesticides, PCBs, chlorine and other chemicals
Acrylamides (formed during high-heat food processing such as frying)
Watching television / lack of exercise
Severe emotional distress or relationship stress
Refined sugars / refined grains
Dry cleaning chemicals
Hair color chemicals
Nail polish remover

22 things that PREVENT cancer:

Vitamin D and sunshine - see the Healing Power of Sunlight and Vitamin D
Anti-cancer foods - see articles about anti-cancer foods
Green tea - see articles about green tea
Broccoli and cruciferous vegetables - see articles about broccoli
Medicinal mushrooms - reishi, shiitake, agaricus blazei, etc.
Lycopene and tomatoes
Infra-red saunas and sweat lodges - because sweating expels toxins
Chlorella - see articles on chlorella, or check out a recommended chlorella product: Rejuvenate! From IntegratedHealth.com
Pomegranate seeds - see artiles on pomegranate or http://www.ats.org/news.php?id=32
Omega-3 oils / chia seeds - available from GoodCauseWellness.com
Rainforest herbs - There are many anti-cancer rainforest herbs, including graviola and Cat's Claw (Una de Gato). Recommended sources is Terry Pezzi of the high-integrity Amazon Herb Company (also helping to preserve the Amazon rainforest) - Another great source of rainforest herbs is Rain Tree with Leslie Taylor
Juice detoxification - Read books by Dr. Gabriel Cousens or visit his retreat in Southern Arizona
Acupuncture - helps move blood and chi (body's energy)
Sprouts - ALL sprouts are anti-cancer. Best sprouting machine is the EasyGreen Automatic Sprouter (use any search engine to find resellers)
Red clover - Helps cleanse the blood. Find from any supplement maker.
Deep breathing / oxygenation / stress reduction - Best product is called Stress Eraser (highly recommended)
Yoga, Tai Chi or Pilates - These all boost lymph circulation
Cacao - (real chocolate) - Good sources are NavitasNaturals.com or Superfoods.com
Therapeutic massage - helps move lymph, boost circulation
Mint - grow your own (the easiest plant to grow)
Apricot pits / laetrile / vitamin B17 - View this World Without Cancer video featuring G. Edward Griffin
Blackberries - Most berries contain some form of anti-cancer medicine

Read More Here: http://www.newstarget.com/Report_Breast_Cancer_Deception_1.html

The Truest Horoscope Yet

Tamara
October 9, 2007

"You may well meet your match today. You usually find you have to humor a lot of the people you date, because they lack the kind of depth and intensity, the mystery and the sense of magic that you crave so deeply, and their motives are so transparent. However, today you are intrigued and definitely want to experience more!"

I receive a free daily horoscope by e-mail from http://www.astrocenter.com/. Usually their daily readings leave a lot to be desired; however, sometimes, they hit the nail right on the head when describing certain aspects of my personality. I suppose there really is something to this "astrology" thing. I'm definitely a "bull" in every sense of the word.

In any case, today's reading really made my eyes pop out. "[You usually find you have to humor a lot of the people you date...they lack the depth, intensity and sense of magic that you crave so deeply...]"

And here's the humdinger: "... and their motives are so transparent."

Mmmmm.....

Committment Quiz

First Name: Tamara
Your Type: Loyal and devoted

You are a loyal and devoted person, not afraid to be held accountable for something.

You're comfortable with commitment without being too much of a stickler about it, Tamara. The majority of life is just meant to be taken seriously and you're the kind of person to do it. You enjoy your responsibilities and handle them easily. The security that comes with commitment is appealing to you. You don't see what people see as the lighter, carefree side of life as conflicting with commitment, which is probably why you don't shy away from saying yes when the occasion calls for it.

Does committment suit you? Take the committment quiz here: http://www.astrocenter.com/us/HPQuiz.aspx?type=com&utm_source=us&utm_medium=w&utm_content=freebies&Af=0

Romance Quiz: Apparently I'm A 'Cold Fish'

First Name: Tamara
Your Type: cold-fish

You are the no-nonsense, level-headed type

While you may still believe in love, Tamara you've little time for what you see as the traditional trappings of romance. Your straightforward and pragmatic approach to life doesn't leave a lot of room for illusions. You prefer your relationships built on something more solid than boxes of candy or dinners at expensive restaurants. People are complicated creatures and you'd much rather try to communicate honestly about your feelings than muddy the waters with the romance game.

Here is the link for the quiz...it was very funny. Try it: http://www.astrocenter.com/us/HPQuiz.aspx?type=rom&utm_source=us&utm_medium=w&utm_content=freebies&Af=0

Belief Is A Choice

People are constantly showing us who they are, but we insist on listening to who they say they are. That is backwards.

I tend to see very quickly what people are about, by watching their actions and listening to their words. (I can't judge or speak for how they may behave towards other people in their life; however, I know what it is that I will accept from people and what I will not.) Everyone can be nice...to whomever they choose to be nice to. Serial killers know how to be kind. The biggest asshole has at least one friend. Very few people have absolutely no friends. I don't care how nice you are to everyone else, if you're an asshole towards me, then I can only speak for how you treat me.

Again, people show who they are time and time again. I like to pretend I am stupid in order to see if their behaviors are habitual. If I notice more than twice/thrice, I'm out. No questions asked.

Stop excusing people for their actions. Stop choosing to believe them when they say they're great, while simultaneously treating you like crap. That is backwards. That is your fault. You can sit there all day and complain that people were not being honest with you, but in reality, you were not being honest with yourself.

Communication is not ONLY verbal. HELLO!!!!!!! People communicate with their actions as well. If the person was showing you, with their actions, signs and clues as to who they were, then they were NOT lying.

Someone who cares about you will not excuse their behavior. Someone who is selfish will excuse their behavior and mask it with WORDS and statements of INTENTIONS TO DO GOOD.

Belief, in anything, is always a choice.

The Measure

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." - Matthew 7:2

I love this scripture, not only because it reminds me to keep my own judgemental nature in check, but also because it brings up an element that is quickly forgotten. That element is KARMA.

Yes I know, the scripture does not refer to the "word" KARMA; however, it refers to it's concept. "...and with the measure you use it, it will be measured to you." There are other scriptures which reference this concept: things you do coming back to you, hitting you with the same force you used to throw it out into the universe.

I also like to apply this in other areas of my life, specifically within my relationships with people. I don't neccessarily agree with the idea of "tit for tat", or "eye for eye, tooth for tooth"; however, I am in complete agreeance with "TREATING OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED." But I have my own twist...

Instead of acting towards people the way I hope they will act towards me (which has hardly ever WORKED), I treat them the way they treat me. In essence, the way they treat me is the way they are asking to be treated (if you apply the concept of Karma, and of course, reaping what you sow). This doesn't necessarily mean that if you curse at me, I will curse back. But, with the same disregard you show for my feelings, I will show for yours. And I will show that disregard by doing one thing:

Exiting from your life.

Try this, you'd be suprised how long it takes people to realize you were missing. Even funnier, some people never realize, and still, others don't care. It's funny because, neither do I. And that's the point.

You show me you don't care: neither do I.

The Past

How did the Grand Canyon come into creation? Through years of water erosion in the ground that created an opening. That opening then turned into the huge canyon that it is today. But it would not be that size if it weren't for years of water erosion. That Grand Canyon would not be "grand" if it had not been for a history of "pressure" being applied to it daily. The canyon is a monument to the water that fostered it's creation.

And that's LIFE for you. We are a monument to our past. We can decide our future (for the most part; however, not everything is within our control!), however; our future is still based on decisions we make in the PRESENT, and the present will become our PAST.

Don't discount the past. That's foolish.

A friend of mine said, "eyes are in the front of your head, so that you can look towards the FUTURE, but your mind keeps it's thoughts on the past." It's the past that defines you and guides you. The past that aligns your FUTURE STEPS.

Look towards the future, but never discount the past. That's foolish. How can you learn from your mistakes if you discount the past?

Damn

This is something I've written about in the past: a person's ability to be objective when approaching a problem of someone else's.

I'm not against people disagreeing with me. No, I do not believe that if we are friends, you must agree with everything I have to say, and vice versa. But I do EXPECT for anyone I consider close enough to share my problems with, to listen as objectively as possible. That means, to see that situation from as many sides as is possible. That means, don't come from a personal place when expressing your opinion, unless I am asking you to come from a personal place. That means, don't attack me as if I am attacking you, simply because you have already chosen to sypmathize with a specific side, for personal reasons that are not founded on the facts. How about asking for the facts?

As for me, I make every attempt to do this. If I know that someone else's problem hits too close to home for me, I'll tell them, "look, my opinion is probably biased, but...."

Someone, who may or may not read this, really annoyed me just now, when I told them my daughter's father said I was being an asshole (because I asked him [in a non-accusatory way] if he can start giving me money towards our child now that he is working). Then I told my friend, "I can't believe he called me an asshole." This friend has the audacity to argue with me over the technicality of being called an asshole and being accused of being an asshole.

Que?

At this point, it doesn't matter whether I am right or wrong in believing being called an asshole and being accused of acting like one are one in the same----- I'm hurt that the word was even used in reference to me, period.

Thank You For Sleeping With Me...Wait, HUH?

Random Issues Revolving Around Sex:

When is R. Kelly's child pornography case going to trial? Why the hell did this man escape another court date? Why the hell is this man able to begin his tour in November? Where is Justice?

I'm lonely. It's been a while since I've had sex, but who am I to complain when people have gone more than 10 times the amount of time I've gone without sex (6 months)? But that still doesn't make it any easier. I wonder at what point does a person stop missing sex. My aunt says it takes 5 years.

{insert gaping mouth here}

I read a sex advice column today in the Village Voice (http://villagevoice.com/generic/act_urldirect.php?sid=87&aid=77937) called Savage Love, written by Dan Savage. Someone wrote in asking his opinion of a woman whose ex-husband forced her to say "Thank you" after every sexual encounter. How funny is that? Do you think that's weird? How would you feel if your partner required that you say "Thank you" every time you had sex with them? I've never been thanked, nor have I ever thought to thank anyone. But something about her being required to say it turned me on a little.

Where's my Dom Male?

I Lost 100 Pounds!

It's time for me to share my story...

I used to weigh 255 lbs. (Yikes!)
I got pregnant, and realized I was a serious health risk at that size, so I started eating healthy foods. Interestingly enough, pregnant women use an additional 300 calories (est) per day towards development of the fetus.
Well, since I was eating healthy foods, my body turned to my fat stores for energy towards the baby.
So, I did not gain weight during my pregnancy...I actually went down to 242lbs and stayed there.
The day after I gave birth, I was 225lbs - 30 lbs lighter!
I did the math...I lost an average of 375 calories a day (3,500 cal = 1 lb of fat).

After giving birth, I breast fed only for 7 months. Breast feeding burns an additional 500-700 calories per day. Amazing huh? I lost another 25 lbs (without exercise).

When I reached 199lbs (Thanksgiving, 2005), I decided it was time to exercise.
I reached 170 lbs and started Weight Watchers. (March 2006)
I reached 155 lbs and purchased an elliptical machine. (August 2006)

Since then, I gained 20 lbs within 2 months (September 06-November 06) while on the birth control pill, despite using my elliptical machine 4 times a week. I was also depressed and was binge eating from time to time.

Fast forward -March, 2007, 175 lbs.
I joined a gym, and included the treadmill, stair master and weights to my regimen. I also started a food journal and made some radical changes to my diet.

Now: Today, October 2, 2007, 155lbs again! (Whew) The 155lbs I weigh now has a LOT more muscle mass than the 155lbs I weighed last year, so I'm actually smaller and firmer.

Goal: 140-145 lbs - I like my curves.

Wish me luck!

That's All She Wrote Folks!

I'm not afraid of people anymore...well, not really. I'm more so afraid FOR them. I'm afraid for them to step on my toes, I'm quick with the sword (my tongue) and tend to cut people off at the knees. *It's never unmerrited. I remember someone telling me I use my tongue as a whip. Haha....I think that's hilarious because I never use rude or hurtful language. I just express truths in a very eloquent and intelligent way. Who ever knew being honest and articulate could hurt so bad? I don't allow people to bring me down to an immature level - a level that allows me to scream and curse and call people names. Uhn-uh...no way. I'll turn my back on an argument if I see it's unproductive. I walk away from people who hurt me. *Unfortunately for some, I don't always say goodbye.

I don't worry too much what people may think of me at this point...that mode of thinking becomes wearisome over time. I do however care about the opinions of my friends and loved-ones; however, I'm pretty self-aware and stubborn, so if I feel someone is mistaken in their observations, I will kindly (most times) disagree with them.

In any case, as my friend T. Perry says, thank God for love, forgiveness, growth and CHANGE. But really, forgiveness is an incredible thing.

Above being strong enough to stand up for yourself or walk away from people, it takes even more courage to forgive.

This Blogging Thing...

So....I grew sick of MySpace. Sick and tired of the gratuitous display of people pretending to be smart, good looking, wealthy, talented, wise....etc. I got sick of everyone trying to appear witty; nauseated by everyone's need to give unwarranted advice; weary of all the "top friends list" games people would play in order to make people feel small; disgusted by everyone's need to attract attention to themselves.

And mostly, I grew sick and fucking tired of the people I was meeting on the site.

I no longer had a desire to put myself on public display, like some object for sale. I no longer wished to be stalked online by weirdos and judged by jealous women.

In any case, I do miss blogging. I do miss having a space that would allow me to share my thoughts.

Get ready world!!!!